So, I'm queen of buyer's remorse. The day after I make an expensive purchase I am trying to get the product back to it's original state so that I can return it as soon as humanly possible because, I mean, what was I thinking? Do I really need the added pressure of more stuff? Was the item worth the cost? Yep, I pretty much had these same thoughts this morning as I woke up and realized exactly what I have committed to for the next year.
I'm not sure I want to share my personal thoughts, flaws, misconceptions, failures and struggles with the world. Taking time to write, somewhat coherently I might add, is an added stress to incorporate into my life. Will I be consistent? Who really cares what I have to say? Is my life really THAT BAD? It seems pretty normal to me. And that's when it hit me. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to settle for "good enough." I want exceptional. I want the best me. I want to stand in front of God in all his majesty and know that I did all I could do for Him. I want to be obedient...I'm sorry who just typed those words? The fact that I even want to be obedient is mind-blowing coming from a rule-breaking, rebel who doesn't like to be told what to do. It's proof that God is in the business of changing hearts from stone to flesh. Ezekiel 36:26 says, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." That sounds dirty and life-changing; I'm in. But honestly, I'm only submitting to this crazy plan because I've tried it the other way, my way, and it's too hard. It's too painful. It sucks. It's lonely and I'm exhausted.
If you haven't figured out by now that I'm just flying by the seat of my pants with this thing then maybe I should spell it out for you...I don't know how this unfolds. As I've been praying in preparation of how to start I asked for clarification, for an outline (and all of the the Type A people rejoiced!), for some kind of sign to indicate the next direction and the only phrase that kept scrolling through my head repetitively like a marquee was, "What are you thinking? What are you thinking? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" At first I thought this was just my anxiety rearing it's ugly head again but as I settled on the words I realized that it was a real question, "What am I thinking?" What do I think about? Do I even think? I mean yeah, sure I think about what to cook for dinner, who has practice at what time, if my hair would look better with more intense red highlights (I actually think it would), how long it has been since I washed my sheets, if I forgot to shut-down my computer at work; but do I actually take time to think? The answer was a resounding NO!
This my friend is where we start. We are going to take time each day for the next year to think, to reflect, to plan, to remember, to reminisce, to be thankful. The nature of your thoughts may change but the time set aside for decompression, goal-setting, and creativity will not. Are you weirded out? I am a little. That just seems like such a waste of time when I could be doing something. Not to mention that I don't just have all of these minutes to be sitting around daydreaming or whatever. I don't even get enough time to pee by myself. But I'm going to make a conscious effort to take 10 minutes a day to just think. For me, this will be in addition to my prayer and Bible study, but you do you. My plan is to find a place at the end of each day to unwind and think reflectively and expectantly. I'll let you know how this actually unfolds in my real life.
I want to leave you with this thought from Proverbs 23:7, "For as one thinks within his heart, so is he." Lord Jesus, send some good mojo thoughts my way!