SOS! Help! Sound the alarm! Call 9-1-1! Save me...from my thoughts that is. I'm drowning in them and not the wonderful, flowery, the world is my oyster kind of thoughts. Somehow I thought that this whole thinking thing would allow me the opportunity to solidify short-term goals and open up my mind to new opportunities while humming lullabies and hearing the audible voice of God directing my life-path. Let's be totally clear--that absolutely did not happen (yet anyway). Quite the opposite has happened actually. All I can think about are a slew of things that need fixin' that I've put on the back-burner while I've been doing all this living life stuff. Things that should have been dealt with at one time or another but weren't because I didn't have the mental energy or the "want to" at the time. Things like bad habits, avoidance rather than confrontation, white lies, unforgiveness, self-pity and laziness. All of these things have been packed tightly in a nice little corner of my soul like cobwebs in a cluttered garage. When it's time to start spring cleaning that garage you start with the major clutter components, it's those pesky cobwebs that get overlooked. And that's what I've been doing for years, probably decades, is overlooking "little" hang-ups that have turned into routine rather than uncommon occurrences. Oh, I knew they were there alright but I chose to ignore them because they weren't really bothering anybody...yeah right, until someone gets a spider bite.
So as you can imagine today has been super fun. Kind of like doing your taxes while being stood up on a blind date after having a root canal. It's 10:17 PM and I'm left feeling completely inadequate, insecure and overwhelmed...wasn't this journey supposed to be about improving my life? I think I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere.
Don't worry I haven't abandoned the pursuit of an unfake life. I'm not throwing in the towel or giving in to my Debbie Downer-ness. I'm just trying to be transparent. Bad days happen. Bad thoughts take up residence in our minds like an unwanted house guest. And confusing, mixed-up emotions invade our hearts and bodies sometimes without warning. What we do with the onslaught of negativity determines how much control we allow it to have in our lives. Isaiah 41:10 says, "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."
The truth of the matter is that I obviously have to address all the little cobwebs in my life. God won't allow me to keep them hidden forever because he wants what is best for me. But I don't have to look at or deal with all that ugly on my own. That sounds good in theory right? But how do I live that out in practical steps? I think for me my first step is to acknowledge what I have kept hidden, ignored and allowed to remain in my life. To call a spade a spade. Then, all I can do is start tackling each one with prayer. I'm pretty sure I'll start with unforgiveness first since it affects me the most and I feel the most hypocritical about it's presence in my life. If God can forgive me in all my heathen glory then I certainly should be able to extend the same courtesy to my fellow man.
I choose to end this roller-coaster ride of a day in peace. Believe me I could easily stay up another couple of hours and make a "plan of action" because that's what us fixer-type people like to do. However, no amount of self-help strategies can replace what God is able to accomplish. And guess what? He doesn't even need my assistance just my obedience.
Tonight my final thoughts will follow these guidelines from Phiippians 4:8: "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." May you have sweet thinks. xoxo